Let Me Get This Straight: Damn Straight

He said this was the best place to start. That’s how I found myself across the table from him. He was wearing a tan hooded sweatshirt and held a trivia card is his left hand. I always wondered what this would be like.  I asked him what I should call him but he said it was better that I didn’t know his name. He told me to call him “Matt.”

I took a heavy swig of the crap beer that I was drinking and reached for the hot sauce. He said, “I don’t know who the 1984 Olympic Gold Medal winner is for Diving,” and placed the trivia card back in a pile with the others. Our waitress set another grease-stained basket of wings on our table offered us napkins. I looked up and said, “you have the best tits I have ever seen. I mean, seriously, they’re amazing.  They look like hot pieces of milk fleshy goodness. Girl, they must have cost you a fortune.”

“Matt” said nothing.

She paused, smiled, and then leaned in and said, “they didn’t cost ME,” – really emphasizing the “me”-  “a thing,” giving me some candid look to reassure me that  they were a gift.  She then brushed her California blonde hair back behind her shoulder and shook her breasts a little, giving them a solid bounce that seemed to come like a ripple from the torn seam of her tight tank top; she giggled slightly, as if she felt confident that she had done something extraordinary, and turned off for another table. “Matt” and I both stared at her ass in her tight orange shorts.

I looked back at “Matt” who was hung with an expression of bemusement and anger. “You really do get away with saying a lot of shit,” he said. I just smiled.

I thought for a second, and yeah, I do get away with saying pretty much anything.  At a dinner party, I once said, “all this talk about AIDS is making me horny,” and I once gave a female friend this dating advice:  “go out there and get fingered in a Big Lots Parking Lot.”

That’s how I found myself playing trivia at a Hollywood Hooters with “Matt.” A lot people react to the shit that comes out of my mouth with the following statement: you only get away with that because you’re queer. I also get: no straight guy could ever say that. And I admit, I get away with saying quite a bit of nonsense, but I never thought it was because of a bias.   I determined that in order to really understand the world, I needed to understand the straight man’s point of view. So over pitchers of beer and baskets of wings, “Matt” and I exchanged the secrets of our everyday. The world of periods, pregnancy scares, and not being allowed into the ladies dressing rooms were all foreign concepts to me.  Crap beer, Hooters Trivia, and not shopping a Macy’s – all these things were common place for “Matt.” When we agreed to meet up, I thought I would satiate this straight man need, close the chapter on my wonderment, and continue writing on this site, no longer confused about this straight divide. But as we closed out our tab with a shot of Jack Daniels, I knew that I wasn’t complete; there was a void in me burning for more straight man. I knew I wanted more. But what? But how?

When I returned to my home, I was plagued with conflict. How could I fully relate to the world? How could I be a voice of reason without the straight man? I called out to the world, desperately gripping to a confused hope.  I was forlorn and empty.

Then, all of a sudden, the room started to spin, and a bright light consumed my vision. My body felt weightless, and through a chaos of noise I heard a single voice. It was God himself. He had taken time out from dealing with HIV in Africa to offer me an epiphany. It was epic and intense. It was magical. When my senses returned to my corporeal being, and I picked myself off the floor, I knew what I needed to do.

I called “Matt” immediately and proposed an idea, “Why don’t you contribute to let-me-get-this-queer? It’s a place for us all to share our point of views, and the world needs yours.”

He was silent for a moment and then with the most subdued excitement, said “yeah sure.”

And at that moment: Let Me Get This Straight: Damn Straight was born.

So the experiment begins. I hope you all will join me in welcoming the straight guy, “Matt,” to our site. He will be a regular contributor and his point of view will echo the chorus of voices that come together to poke fun at the world.  

I recently asked him what he thought of all of this gay bullying. He looked me straight in the eye and said, “bullying is for faggots.”

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Let Me Get This Queer: New Yale Alma Mater, “Yes Means Anal”

According to The Huffington Post, a Yale Fraternity initiation prank has outraged the campus women’s group inciting the Frat President to issue apology for misogynistic comments. 

The Frat boys chanted: “No means yes, yes means anal” and “My name is Jack, I’m a necrophiliac, I f— dead women.”

Members of the Yale Women’s Center called the chants “hate speech” and “an active call for sexual violence.”

Let me get this queer: some frat boys acted inappropriately during some initiation? What!? That’s crazy! This is absurd.

Dear Yale Women’s Center, Frat boys do stupid things. Lighten up, get a freakin’ sense of humor, ok. Those frat boys weren’t promoting rape, they weren’t promoting sex with dead people; they were being humiliated as part of an initiation. If they had dragged a cadaver into the lawn and took turns gang banging the decomposing body, then there would be cause for alarm.

I am a huge proponant of knowing the power of words, but in this case I find that the reaction was blown out of proportion.

What do you think?

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Let Me Get This Queer: Virginia Philips Makes History!

Federal Judge, Virginia Phillips, ordered the military  to immediately stop enforcing its ban on openly gay troops, bringing the 17-year “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy closer than it has ever been to being abolished.

Finally a step in the right direction!  The fact this issue has played like a game of hot potato in Washington is disgusting. Even though there seems to be the common opinion to overturn this policy, it seems that no one wants to be responsible for making the ultimate decision. Thank you Virginia Philips for having the sense to stand up for what is right, and the authority to make history.

There is NO SHAME in standing up for civil rights. There is NO DISGRACE in believing that all humans are created equal.  

When we look back at history, it is the brave men and women who have challenged injustice that are remembered; not those who have cowered in fear.

Challenge yourself to stand up for what you believe. Together we can make this world a better place, not just for LGBT individuals, but for all those who have been oppressed! Don’t let anyone make you feel anything less than a hero!

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Let Me Get This Queer: Carl Paladino is not a Viable Option

umm… what did he just say?

Dear Carl Paladino, how dare you pass such judgement on the lives of those around you. You are an ignorant, hateful, and disgusting human being. You have abused your position of leadership with your anti-humanitarian words.

There have a string of gay teen suicides in the past few weeks, Tyler Clemente, being just one of them. 

It’s comments like those of Carl Paladino that invoke such despair amongst our youth that they feel the only “viable option” is death.

If you or someone you know feels hopeless, please know that there are those who care.  Check out this link to learn what you can do to help: The Trevor Project

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Let Me Get This Hip Hop: Justin Timberlake and Jimmy Fallon Rap

I usually like a good Madonna / Britney tribute, but JT and JF make GLEE look like a high school musical.

Justin appeared on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, and this is what happened: A History of Rap: Jimmy Fallon, Justin Timberlake & The Roots.

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Let Me Get This Fried: KFC, “Teenage Boys Don’t Know The Colonel, But They Know Breasts.”

KFC has enraged the National Organization for Women with its grassroots campaign to promote its latest sandwich creation, the Double Down, by soliciting college-aged girls to put on KFC sweatpants and walk around campuses passing out the sandwich to its target demo: teenage boys.

The National Organization for Women wants to thwart KFC’s Breast Movement and issued this statement “It’s so obnoxious to once again be using women’s bodies to sell fundamentally unhealthy products.”

Dear National Organization for Women, you have your Dove Campaign, leave KFC alone. It’s not like KFC is putting the 3lb meat sandwich in a 12 year old’s snatch and letting teenagers eat out at will. Sex Appeal is everywhere. These girls are getting $500 – which to a college girl is like 3 Billion dollars. That money pays for a semester of books or solves the problem of an unexpected pregnancy.

KFC’s real offense is the sandwich itself, which has 540 calories, 32 grams of fat, and 1380 mg of sodium. No one should be eating that crap.

A rep from KFC failed to comment on this story, so we reached out to the next best thing. We caught up with Old MacDonald on his farm, he had the following things to say, “EE – I – EE – I – O.”

 What do you think?

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Let Me Get This Queer: Guys Acting Like Girls

This is the funniest thing I’ve seen in a while.

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